well i kind of want to reflect on my past

its all flying around in my head and i feel as if i really need to get it out on paper

or rather the internet haha

but still…..

i guess i would like to begin with the fact that i deep down knew that something was wrong with me. Even in the glory days i would fantasize about drama, imagining how great it would be to have someone pity me just for the attention.  I know better now of course.  But in fourth grade things were different.  I remember the day i learned what an eating disorder was.  I didn’t understand it – why people would do something so cruel and stupid to themselves.  When i told my mom what i had learned in school that day i remember her exact words…”If you ever EVER do that to yourself, i will kill you.”  She said it in the motherly tone, that of course only denotes that she was serious.  She wouldn’t obviously kill me…hasn’t yet.  Most mothers use death as a threat when they don’t really mean it.  But the point of the matter is from that very day things have just basically gone down the tubes for me.  That same year i lost the two of my best friends and started to have unhappy feelings with my body.  Maybe it was to cope with feelings of sadness, or maybe this disorder was meant to be from the start.  Either which way I begun to look in the mirror, always with thoughts that i was too heavy and needed to loose some weight. But in fourth grade it was easier to but these thoughts in a high shelf of the mind, leaving them to think about another day.  The truth was i wasn’t really overweight…i know that now.  I just went started going through puberty much earlier than the other girls in elementraly school, and it showed.  I was already begining to develop hips and a chest, while the other girls held there stick figure frames high with satisfaction.  5th grade was rather uneventful other than the fact that it was the last year before middle school – and i was so ready for it.  Every step of the way.

life has been becoming increasingly difficult. i have reached a point in which i would like to believe that life can be something more than tears and resentment, but my patience is wearing unbearably thin. and so i have made a pact, a goal. because without one i will contiune to fall down this rabbit hole i have dug myself into. I look for support from myself and my friends…i can’t trust my parents any longer. But coming to realization with this can allow me to sucseed.

and so i will look back on the past as a learning expirience. I will reflect, not relive those expiriences. and so i begin my new life. i’m going to be doing this for me. Not for my parents, not for my friends, and not for you. I am doing this for me. Because in the end when its all said and done i’m going to be the one i have to live with. How can one learn to love if they cannot love themselves first. And so the journey begins…

GOALS

• restore physical health
• restore mental health
• restore happiness

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